Beginning with an Angel

My brother died in 2015 during his Saturn Return. To many of you that doesn’t mean very much, but to the astrology nerds it means quite something. My brother Lightening was schitzophrenic and bipolar. They call the combo- schitzo-effective. This also means quite something to those within the psychology field, and attachment science and theoretical realms. I will not deduce the meaning, for those who know these areas they can understand the multitude of layers to which this means. It’s also extremely relative to my healing journey and study on attachment, and imperialism.

The themes of the complex onion of the various mechanisms of genocide intersect here. Some of those mechanisms are the 60’s scoop, residential schools, and MMIW2s. To me and I’m sure many others these are not phenomena or epochs of time- they are part of the ongoing booby traps of systemic racism, structural violence, and devaluation of children which make up each one of our individual stories and the many unique stories we have coming from these deliberate mechanisms to destroy Indigenous society and families from the inside, outside, and at the center. Where these key themes fit into my story as a parent began when my brother passed.

It was complex as is all familial trauma. I was moving from Victoria to the Kwantlen reserve with Brandon. We were running into all kinds of hiccups while trying to get me there- one being not getting a rental Uhaul due to systemic and economic racism. The delay set us back 24 hours and the next morning I woke to a phone call from my eldest sibling Gemini. He let me know Lightening our second sibling had suddenly passed away.

What followed was a cataclysm of events that closely resembled my childhood experience which highlighted the aforementioned themes. What this looked like for me included exclusion, patriarchy, group violence enlisted by my parents and their peers. Losing Lightening was paramount to the depth of sorrow I could feel, something I have not experienced to such magnitude, until this past year. It is the worst pain I have ever felt. This came juxtaposed to the birth of my daughter Angel.

The birth of Angel came in 2016, I was 28 when she was born and close to finishing my Masters Degree. It was a whirl wind. My primary focus was the completion of my degree, and the birth of my daughter. I was terrified of the challenges I was facing, without any clue how difficult things would become for me I pushed forward and did my best to remain positive.

There was no guiding hand, no parent, no aunt, no friend to guide me along this journey. I looked and if someone fit the description, they were often cold, callous, and backward in their approaches to parenting. I was uncertain where to turn, most of the community was embroiled in the religious politic and left little room for empowerment, voice, choice or consent. Agency was not an anchor in this community, and whiteness prevailed.

Naturally because my desires surround decolonization and resurgence I turned inward and to community. Quickly I learned that the community was largely silent on the subject, aside from the constant projections of their own trauma. Traditional teachings and the data on familial health was absent from the community, and the administration in the band office as well as community operated from a very outdated and problematic standpoint. In addition to this, there was a nucleus of group think was wretched. Stepping outside the norm in any sort of way was quickly met with social shaming, gossip, and the withholding of resources. I learned quite quickly how to move where betrayal was a currency.

During this time a few long term loves came in and out of my life, and shed light on the phenomena’s of enmeshment, and attachment. These were extremely painful lessons for my loves to experience, I am extremely grateful to have these teaching passed on to me. I took this new set of knowledge very seriously and I am indebted to their wisdom. This is where I pass it along…

Initially I had thought my life’s calling was around sexual violence recovery, but it quickly came to be developing, understanding, and continuous relationships with my children. This is where I found the most healing- with our Angel, our Star, and Grizzly.

I had a strong desire to provide my Angel with the most beautiful birth! I researched home births, water births, and the most up-to-date research on the health of new born babies. I had such a difficult time during my pregnancy with all the outside forces. It was such a bizarre experience! First my family treated me as though I was a teenager having a baby, yet I was 28 when my daughter was born. Due to the death of my brother, our childhood trauma and abuse was front and center in my life. The desire to protect my Angel was strong and did not waiver.

Even today, I share with my daughter there are so many ways the world tries to impede on the relationship between parent and child! The medical industry, the social structures, the patriarchy, imperialism are all designed to undermine the role of a mother.

Early on I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes. This was very distressing as an experience. I was grouped with women who were all of color, and we were provided out dated lessons on nutrition. This included the nutritional triangle. For those who are unaware, the nutritional triangle or the healthy eating pyramid is heavily criticized for a multitude of reasons, which include inaccuracy among BIPOC populations.

With the assistance of my friends I was able to challenge the diagnosis and receive testing which confirmed I did not have gestational diabetes. Cho to the Masi to my loved ones for supporting me as I learned to advocate for myself and push back for further testing. The medical interventions did not stop here, they continued and I had to battle arduously to prevent interventions. There is extensive data on the interventions of medical professionals on the bodies of Indigenous women that have called for better training, and advocacy for Indigenous people- sadly the transitional journey from unconscious, overt racism, and the inadequate education on current health practices is very slow, especially within Fraser Health.

As the mixture of inadequate support, my first pregnancy, the location, institutional racism, lateral violence, my cortisol was through the roof! If you know anything about birthing, they do not mix! In fact you absolutely need the happy chemicals such as oxytocin. I did not know this when Angel was born. I was so terrified I could barely breathe! Not to mention my family was gossiping about me, saying horrible things, and I did not have supportive people around as I awaited the birth of my Angel.

Throughout the birth, I was pressured to have a cesarean by the OBGYN who wanted to go home. She felt I was not progressing fast enough and tried to push me to take the most convenient option (for her. Masifully, the midwife told me there is no medical reason for the suggestion by the doctor. While I declined, the nurses continued to try and pressure me to have a cesarean. I was so afraid that I experienced psychosis while in labour. My doula and midwife were very helpful, and continued to support my advocacy through my birth!

Angel was born quickly as soon as the time came to push. She darted into the world at full speed and the nurses did not have time to catch her! She hit the bed and her umbilical cord exploded like confetti! I forgot every intrusion the moment I saw her and heard her beautiful cry! I did not think about all the intrusions, systemic racism and intervention until she was about 6 months old!

The conclusion I draw is that within the colonial epicenter the role of empowered mother with a nurturing and supportive system is virtually non-existent. If the child were centered and the mother/primary parent a lot of the violence within the world would cease to be.